


So I’ll leave a light on.

by therunningwaters



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dogs, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Miscommunication, Mountains, Summer Vacation, This is so fucking cliche, kind of maybe - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:15:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29023335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therunningwaters/pseuds/therunningwaters
Summary: Louis was expecting to have a normal, uninteresting vacation when Liam dragged their little friend group off to the middle of nowhere, Europe. The highlight would probably be Niall being chased by some rogue cow. These were the fucking mountains, for god’s sake, the pinnacle of boring, how could anything happen. Right?Or the one where Louis’ past can’t seem to let him breathe, Niall is extremely upset over the lack of signal and Ziam just want the hot tub for themselves.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan/Shawn Mendes, Zayn Malik/Liam Payne
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A completely self fulfilling fanfiction.
> 
> It may not be written the best, it’s sort of this thing where I try not to plan what’ll happen next or worry about how realistic the dialogue is, I’m just letting it go wherever my mind takes me. Hopefully it’s not too bad.
> 
> Gonna try and update once a week, every Friday :>.
> 
> I want to of course, say that this work is completely fictional. I also do not own One Direction. This isn’t meant to cause any harm or insinuate anything, it’s purely for fun.  
> So please, respect each other’s opinions and keep thinking with kindness. That is; don’t be a meanie :(. K, love you all, I hope at least some of you like this or find some sort of comfort in it.
> 
> (Remember, life will get you down, but don’t let it ruin you! Like Louis says; “It’s not a bad life, it’s just a bad day.”  
> And it’s okay to let go sometimes, just snuggle in your bed with a hot cup of tea and forget the outside world.  
> In those moments it’s just you, just a person, no responsibilities, no mistakes made, you just exist and that’s it.)
> 
> So let me help you drift into an imaginary land to fill your extraordinary thoughts with somebody else’s for a while.
> 
> And tomorrow, it’s a new start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first chapter is dedicated to none other than my biggest supporter, the one who had always, no matter how bad it was, praised my art and made me feel like I can do it; Eva. Thank you for always being there for me. xx

The sun rose on the skies of the usually murky London, scattering light upon highest of the rooftops.  
Thousands of shining light rays were beaming all around, reflecting off every possible surface, creating a blinding, sort of uncomfortable view from above.  
The city was slowly waking up to another Monday morning, as sounds of traffic became louder and the first people were starting to emerge, leaving their cramped, warm flats to start a new week.

A lady stepped out of an old apartment building, a flimsy dog racing past her legs making her slam the heavy door on accident. She cursed loudly, spinning around to find the dog already at the end of the pavement and bolting after it.  
Two floors above, Louis Tomlinson flinched in his bed, the commotion startling him awake. He jumped up, eyes immediately settling on the window but quickly relaxing when he found it open.

“Fucking Ms. Skyler,” he grumbled and mentally berated himself for not closing it again.

He ran his hands down his face and sighed, flopping back onto the bed. His room was a mess. Well, more than usually, that is.  
Louis pushed himself up on his elbows and took in the sight of his rucksack, perched atop the chair. It was overflowing with clothes, which were far from neatly folded due to his fruitless attempts at squeezing them all inside. Beside it, on the floor, sat a smaller bag of toiletries, making it clear that a bigger suitcase was in need.

He frowned, reaching for his phone to check the time. It was undoubtedly too early to be awake.  
6:21. Yep, way too early.  
_Three missed calls from ‘dickhead’._

“Oh my god,” Louis sighed irritatedly, swinging his legs across the bed to get up and pressing diall.

_“Louis?”_ a concerned voice crackled through the line. 

“You rang, me lord?” he sarcastically replied, muffling a yawn with the back of his hand.

_“Of course I rang, you dingbat! We’re leaving today and I had a hunch you’d oversleep. Apparently I was right too.”_

“Liam, our flight is at 10:30,” Louis sighed and made his way to the kitchen.

_“Exactly! We should be at the airport at least three hours before and I know for a fact, you still haven’t packed!”_

“Relax. I’ve got it, you know I’m never late,” he looked inside the fridge and contemplated a bit before taking a yoghurt out and twisting the cap.

_“Yeah right, and I’m the queen. Get your arse packed, Lou, I mean it! You’ve got like an hour to get to Heathrow.”_

“Uh-uh, sure, see you Li.”

_“You better not be late,”_ the voice grumbled before the line cut off, leaving Louis staring at his phone exasperatedly. 

Louis sat down at his table, slowly sipping the yoghurt. He wished he had time to grab a bagel from the nearest bakery, but he reckoned there’d be something to find at the airport. God knows he would have time as Liam’s three hour flight rule always made sure of that.

He was glad to be friends with him, really. No one else would drag him out on a ‘surprise’ vacation each year. It’s funny, Louis knows he needs time off and that his boss wants to beg him to take a break, but he can’t quite get himself to stop working.  
Vacation means free time and free time means thinking about things that aren’t work.  
Louis doesn’t do that.

Sure, once upon a time he’d always jump at the mention of a day off. He used to love going on spontaneous park trips, scouting new indie cafés and rating street performers on a scale of 1 through 10. He also loved the lazy evenings, watching trashy TV or crying his eyes out to romantic comedies while munching on homemade cookies.

There were no homemade cookies now, though. And there are no photos of oddly dressed statue impersonators on Louis’ phone. So days off seem meaningless too.

In truth, his life stands strong. He has a good job, working as a forensic psychologist at a local police department, something he’s always wanted to do. Money hasn’t been a problem for a long time and his flat is as nice as they come, even if it does feel too big at times.  
He has a lovely family which he visits as often as possible, and his friends, who love him (almost too much). 

His life stands strong. 

He doesn’t.

Working with people takes a lot more than it gives and Louis often finds himself wondering how much it’d take for him to go crazy too, how thin that line is.

Three years ago, after his life turned upside down, he almost found out. 

He started overworking himself and slowly withered away, letting the insecurities of his patients penetrate his own mind.  
He figured he’d rather give them all he had left, instead of being stuck only with pathetic shambles of his broken thoughts.

To Louis, insanity suddenly sounded eerily like an escape.

And all it took was one night lost, one mistake made, one person gone.

The human mind is a fragile thing.

What stopped him from ruining himself completely was meeting Liam.

The case Louis had been working on at the time was tough. The police department did their job, but Louis’ wasn’t done. The criminal’s mind was so incredibly nuanced, that Louis had lost his lead again and again in the mountains of symptoms and possible causes.  
And he was tired, so incredibly tired, which didn’t help. 

That’s when a serious criminologist was brought in to work alongside him.  
Liam, Louis quickly realised, wasn’t one to take work lightly. Immediately upon arrival, he sat down and busied himself with arranging his files and setting up his work station, meticulously fiddling with some pens. 

For the first few days they spoke very little. Neither wanted to particularly socialise, so they settled on exchanging polite smiles whenever one of them sighed in frustration. 

Louis knew he was a dedicated worker, especially now with everything else in his life going to shit, Liam however, was on a whole another level.

In the week they worked with each other, Louis never once caught him going to get coffee, or even standing up from the desk more than was mandatory.  
Every day for lunch, he quickly munched on a sandwich, his eyes never leaving the screen, sometimes even stopping and holding the sandwich in his mouth to type something down.

There had to have been more to this guy, Louis reasoned even though he himself wasn’t much better, but hey, at least he went to the office kitchen to chat with Mary about her cats every morning break!  
So yeah, at first, their friendship clearly wasn’t going anywhere.

As Liam sat in the corner of the office one Friday, yet again, relentlessly crunching his numbers, Louis’ exhausted brain couldn’t help but just stare.  
He didn’t know how much time had passed but when Liam finally looked up, Louis realised that yeah, he probably had been staring for an inappropriate amount of time.

To his surprise, Liam just chuckled and started talking to him, which then escalated to him practically dragging Louis out to a nearby club, ranting about how they both need a ‘well deserved break’.  
Had he been less exhausted, Louis would have tried to object but Liam didn’t exactly give him time to do so and as he was currently reduced to a heartbroken ball of incoherent thoughts he simply didn’t find it in himself to care. And a little drink with a co-worker won’t hurt, right?

So Louis clearly underestimated Liam.

What followed was possibly the weirdest night of his life. 

_It starts off completely normal, Louis’ empty shell staring depressingly into a glass of gin and tonic, while Liam, who unlike Louis isn’t trying to hold back on liquor, tells him a bit about his adventures at this bar with his college mates._

_“I swear to god, Louis, it was the worst thing ever! The guy was clearly clueless and hammered, probably high too, so already not a good combination. So Dan then challenges him to a dance-off, which is, clearly stupid, considering Diana wasn’t even watching anymore at this point-“ Liam pauses taking a shot, which the bartender so had generously placed in front of him a moment earlier._

_“So then, get this. They start and the guy immediately drops and starts doing body rolls. Like really well. And Dan isn’t happy. He’s all like: ‘I can’t do this shit, what the fuck!’ And so naturally, I volunteered.”_

_Louis looks at him incredulously: “You volunteered?”_

_Liam nods: “Yes, to do body rolls in his place.”_

_Now Louis just snorts._

_“What?” Liam pouts, looking a little insulted._

_“Nothing mate, just don’t look like you’d be able to do body rolls.”  
Now that apparently gets Liam going because all of a sudden Louis finds himself nursing his gin and tonic, gaping at a writhing Liam on the dance floor, silently wondering what the hell the bartender put in his shots.  
Liam flops around the floor with a serious expression, like a fish out of water. On a mission. A circle of spectators starts forming and one by one they all start cheering him on.  
He could leave, yeah, but this is like watching a car crash and Louis can’t look away._

_Suddenly a man appears from the crowd, stepping towards Liam with a challenging look on his face._

_And the car crash becomes a car pile up._

_The newcomer drops to the ground next to Liam and somehow manages to make it look worse. Liam notices and stops to watch his challenger.  
“Think you can steal my signature move and get away with it?” The guy shouts loudly, an Irish accent colouring his speech.  
“Well it’s not my fault I can do it better,” Liam responds and they share an intense stare for a moment, before they’re at it again, the crowd cheering even louder._

_Once upon a time Louis would have laughed with them, maybe even join in, now the most he manages is a slight snort as their heads accidentally bump together, which of course results in violent laughter from the stranger. Louis might be a bit envious._

_They finish quite quickly after that, deciding on a tie, both collapsing onto empty bar stools next to Louis, breathing heavily._

_“Louis, this is Niall, he’s Irish!”_

_“Hiya mate, nice to meet ya,” Niall offers his hand, smiling blindingly._

_Niall seems like a ball of pure happiness. Louis had never met such an irrevocably kind person, and he finds the corners of his mouth twitching upwards infectiously as the night goes on.  
Liam and Niall talk about insignificant things like which avengers movie was the best or which Starbucks flavour is the most controversial and as the gin starts settling in his stomach, Louis finds himself letting go for the first time in months. He joins the conversation easily and yes, this could actually be quite nice time from time, he thinks._

_Then it’s the AM. And Niall has an idea._

_It would be nice if that idea was brought up to Louis or Liam before it was put to action, but alas, a man can’t have everything._

_They had decided on leaving the club and heading home. The little alcohol Louis consumed had evaporated, the warm tipsy feeling long gone. Now he just wanted to get home and sleep his confusing feelings off.  
Liam was still incredibly drunk, but Louis remembered him mentioning something about living about two streets away from Louis, so that should be the same tube line. He prayed Liam would sober up at least a bit so he can get him home. He didn’t exactly fancy a sleepover with a man he’d just met, no matter how much he looked like David Beckham._

_They descend and walk to the platform, Niall leading the way. Before Louis notices anything’s amiss a train is pulling up and Niall pushes them on._

_Niall pushes them on the wrong tube train._

_“What the fuck, Niall?!” Louis shouts, staring disbelievingly at the man’s face._

_“Niall, what?” Liam asks, waking up from his trance before gripping onto the pole to avoid falling face first to the ground._

_Niall wears a blinding grin and promptly takes a seat, unbothered.  
Louis can’t believe this. A random stranger just half-kidnapped him and his new temporary co-worker._

_“Oh come on, Louis, live a little! Haven’t you ever gone on an adventure?”_

_“Not on a random Friday night after working for 12 hours straight! I wanted to go home! Sleep!”_

_“You’re no fun,” Niall huffs and Louis can’t believe this. What the fuck. He looks at Liam, pleading for a bit of support but the still absolutely sloshed man just shrugs._

_“I reckon we do it, see where we end up,” says Liam finally, smiling hazily. Louis doubts he even remembers his last name._

_“Great, well I’m getting off on the next station, turning around and going home,” he huffs and leans against the wall. He just wanted a quiet night after all that intrusive introspection at work, time to quietly wallow with a glass of wine, but nooo.  
Life hates Louis._

_When they get to the next station Liam is practically asleep, so Louis fixes Niall with a desperate look, which luckily gets the blonde man to sigh and get up to help him drag Liam off._

_“Sooo, what now?” Niall cheerfully says as they stand on the platform._

_“Now we go home,” Louis says pointedly, turning on his heel, determined he won’t give these clowns the time of day anymore and-_

_There’s a quite loud, possibly drunk girl on the other end of the tunnel currently singing and dancing animatedly. A man is sitting on the floor beside her, calmly accompanying her on a guitar.  
“Nice!” Niall mutters and starts walking towards her._

_“Niall, where are you going?” Louis sighs frustratedly, pulling Liam’s arm around his shoulders so the man could stay upright._

_“I’m joining her.”_

_Louis gapes._

_It’s not even his problem if Niall doesn’t make it home today. He barely knows the man. But still, somehow it doesn’t seem right to just leave him alone, drunk as he is. Oh seriously, curse Louis’ conscience._

_“Niall, please, let’s just go home,” he tries, but Niall doesn’t even slow down._

_“Niall, I’m going to leave.”_

_“Niall, seriously, do you need to?!”_

_This is it. Louis is going to snap. He starts walking, dragging Liam along furiously. Niall would be fine, he’s a grown man. By the way he’s having conversation with the singing woman now, he gets along with them just fine._

_Then, just as Louis is about to pass them to get to the other tube line, Niall starts singing._

_Louis stops dead in his tracks so that Liam who is a bit behind slams into him with a confused grunt.  
He listens to the song, the famous chords of ‘Take me to church’ filling his mind. _

_And good god. How is this man not famous yet?_

_The woman joins him from time to time, their voices melting together in perfect harmony._

_Louis just stands there, admiring the performance, as the woman starts dancing again, coming up to him and giggling.  
“Hi!” she shouts over Niall’s singing voice, taking Louis’ hands, leaning in a bit as she dances, pulling him forward: “I’m Susan! Join us! Come on!”_

_Louis shakes his head a bit, smiling politely at the strange girl: “I’d really rather not.”_

_“Oh, please, please, come dance with me!”_

_“No, really, I mean it, I don’t-“_

_“I’ll join!”_

_Louis looks at Liam pointedly, the man is now magically awake.  
Susan’s face lights up and she immediately pulls Liam to her side._

_They dance, Susan twirling Liam about like a puppet and laughing every time he trips on her long skirt.  
It’s a pretty avant-garde performance, Louis judges._

_Halfway through the song he kind of regrets not joining in, biting his lip and standing awkwardly on the side. Reluctantly, and not for the first time in the night, he thinks this is kind of fun._

_Maybe being miserable all the time won’t make up for his mistakes._

_“I need you to play my harmonica!” Niall says as he finishes the song, fumbling with his pockets: “Here!”_

_He throws an object towards Louis, who catches it (God bless his reflexes) and eyes it suspiciously. It’s a small golden harmonica, with the word ‘Niall’ engraved in the top right corner._

_“Do you know how to play?”_

_“I mean I have played before, but ...”_

_“Great! Can you play ‘Ophelia’ by The Lumineers?”_

_“Niall, I played with plastic ones when I was a child! I don’t know how to actually play them.”_

_“Well do you know the song?”_

_“Niall –“_

_“Do you know the song, Louis?”_

_“Of course I know the song.”_

_“Then it’s settled.”  
Niall motions to the man on the ground to start playing and shouts: “Clap!”_

_Liam and Susan start clapping, giving him the beat to start singing. Louis just stands there, eyeing the harmonica in his hands. Fuck it._

_He blows inside and it sounds horrendous. Good. If Niall wants the harmonica, he’ll get the harmonica._

_The performance goes wild once again. The harmonica doesn’t match the melody at all, going off beat and making Niall’s voice crack from laughter. But it’s fun, Louis actually has fun._

_Liam falls three times consecutively, apologising to Susan, who just keeps smiling and pulling him upright to continue dancing._

_They go on and on, song after song, from Britney to Oasis. Louis abandons the harmonica somewhere along and joins Niall in singing. The man gapes at him in surprise, before laughing wholeheartedly and continuing singing._

_It’s 4 AM when Louis hauls the half asleep Liam and Niall on the correct train and sighs to himself.  
This was all new to him, as he was usually the one who caused chaos, not the mother hen, keeping watch._

_“Thanks Louuu...” mutters Niall, twisting in his seat to snuggle his head into Louis’ neck. Liam is grunting quietly on his other side, obviously feeling the consequences of the ambiguous shots from the bar.  
Louis might just keep them, he thinks, suddenly feeling an unexpected wave of affection for these two strangers. He sighs and closes his eyes, focusing his mind on the sounds of the tube rushing through the tunnels, taking them home._

Liam was an angel, Louis was convinced. The man never needed to ask what he needed, but somehow always had it ready, be it a hug, a cuppa or yeah, a vacation.  
They worked together for only a few weeks after that, but their pub nights became a somehow regular occurrence due to the group chat Niall made for them, insisting they stay in touch.

One day, a couple of months into the boys’ unusual friendship, Louis’ boss pushed him out of the office, demanding he take a month long vacation and slammed the door in his face.  
Later that night, with him whining to a half-empty beer bottle, Liam came up with the brilliant idea to take a road trip.  
The trio spent three weeks cruising across Britain, marvelling at Stonehenge, visiting the dog collar museum in Leeds and playing golf with a very confused German couple at one of England’s most famous courses.  
Louis was convinced this wasn’t his life. Had he somehow shifted into another dimension after that night? Or had he finally gone mad and these were hallucinations?

It was hard to accept that something made him feel again. He wasn’t over it, far from that, but this was a start of something new. Maybe Louis wasn’t a completely lost cause. 

These three weeks, laced with laughter, alcohol, bad choices and hope, were promising an unimaginable miracle, at least that’s how it felt to Louis.

So that became a yearly occurrence.

After years of self-induced solitude, Louis forgot how nice it was, not to be alone with his thoughts.  
He suspected Liam and Niall had already figured out something was wrong. Once you got to know the real him, Louis’ personality was a dead giveaway to how much he’d changed. 

Still, he never told them why. 

Louis finished his yoghurt and threw the empty carton in the bin.  
He had to dig through his storage room to pull out a suitcase he deemed was all-purpose and big enough to hold all of the rubbish he intended to bring with him.  
Liam of course, decided not to tell them where they were going, just to pack lightly and include lots of warm clothes including hiking boots.  
Louis wanted to tear his hair out at the fact that ‘pack lightly’ and ‘pack summer AND winter wear’ were in the same sentence.

Once he finally got it settled he slumped down on his sofa, checking the time.  
7:14.  
“Shit,” he exclaimed, jumping up.  
While searching for his passport and attempting to call the taxi service, he admitted to himself that maybe Liam had been right about the oversleeping.

It took all of twenty minutes for the taxi to arrive and Louis to gather everything he needed, close the windows and frantically run around, to check all the thermostats were turned off.  
He was just about to leave his house when he passed by the little ornate lamp sitting on top of a cupboard in the sitting room.  
It was still on. In fact, it was never off. Louis made sure it always burned bright, scattering pink shapes on the walls and making everything seem warmer.  
He glanced at it, something sorrowful flashing across his eyes, pausing his hurry.  
Finally, he closed the door behind himself, deciding to leave the lamp on.

*****

It wasn’t fun arriving at Heathrow an hour late and having all your friends watch you with an ‘I told you so’ look in their eyes.

“Hi.”

“Louis why do you always do this,” Liam sighed, sounding nervous, like he always was before a flight.

“Sorry. Couldn’t find a bag big enough that would fit all your criteria.”

Liam eyed his bag suspiciously, saying: “Well at least you followed it unlike Niall.”

Niall made an affronted noise, clutching his gigantic suitcase closer to him.

“Oh, leave him alone Li,” said Zayn, yawning and burying his head in Liam’s jacket.

Zayn was the boyfriend Liam acquired somewhere along the last three years. He was a very much welcome addition to their group, always evening out the chaotic energy surrounding the trio. 

“All I’m saying is I sent the list for a reason! You’re gonna have trouble with that thing and Louis, we’re late for the check in because of you, again!”

He grabbed his and Zayn’s bags and started walking towards the baggage drop-off.

“I’m sorry, Li,” Louis skipped forward to reach Liam’s side, now feeling a bit bad for ruining Liam’s plan, knowing how stressed he got when things were off.

“No, you know what? I’m sick and tired of me planning the whole trip for months, when you two can’t even do the bare minimum!” he exclaimed angrily, turning to face Louis: “Do you even want to be here? Am I the only one looking forward to this? Because I assure you, I won’t plan these in the future if you don’t want to.” 

“Liam, no. That’s not true,” Louis started, the uncomfortable heavy feeling he got anytime he did something wrong settling in his stomach.

“We love these trips!” Niall joined, alarmed.

“Well it sure doesn’t look like it,” Liam huffed and pushed ahead to get in line.

Louis wanted to follow him, but Zayn took hold of his arm, looking at him apologetically: “He’s just stressed, you know how he gets. Lord knows I wouldn’t have been here on time if I didn’t live with him. But let him cool down a bit, he isn’t fit to have this conversation right now.”

Louis and Niall glanced at each other like two children in trouble. Actually, that was the perfect description of the group’s dynamics. A fairly dysfunctional family with Liam as the mum.  
Zayn then joined him in the queue, while the other two stayed behind to argue about who messed up worse.

When they got into Duty Free without any further complications or arguments, Louis left Niall to his phone, where he was immersed in a conversation with his long distance boyfriend, and went to look for Liam.

He found them sitting a couple of rows down, Zayn sitting on Liam’s lap, running his hands comfortingly through the other man’s hair. If Louis would normally scoff at the tooth-rotting sight, at that moment he was glad because this meant calm Liam. And calm Liam is what he needed.

“Hi, lads,” Louis asked when he was close enough and cringed inwardly at how awkward it had sounded.

“Hi Lou,” answered Zayn, lifting his head to smile at him. Liam stayed unmoving, eyes closed and body melting into his boyfriend’s touch.

He hated bothering them in moments like this, but he really didn’t fancy going on a flight to God Knows Where, Europe (Graz apparently, according to his ticket), with his best friend thinking he was an ungrateful arse.

“Uhm, hate to interrupt this, but I was kind of hoping to grab a sandwich with you, Li?” 

There was a beat of silence, tension lightly frizzling in the air between the two.

“Sure,” Liam then answered stoically, kissing Zayn’s forehead lightly to get him to move.

Relieved, Louis let out a silent breath. That’s what he could always count on, Liam wasn’t one to hold a grudge.

They made their way silently to a small cafe and stood in line. It hadn’t been this awkward between them in a while. There had to have been more to this than just him being late, Louis reasoned.

“Hey, I’m really sorry, Li. I should have started packing earlier. It’s just that, you know, I procrastinate and always think I have so much time when in reality, I really don’t,” he sighed and eyed the sandwiches behind the glass absentmindedly: “I do appreciate these trips, I really do. Liam they’re the highlight of my year! It’s just that I suck at showing it.”

“I know Louis, it’s just that this happens every time. And you’re always so goddamn gloomy I never know if you actually enjoy spending time with us. Like, I love you mate, but I feel like I hardly know you, you’re so guarded. I don’t want to pressure you into hanging out, if you don’t want to do that.”

Louis was a bit taken aback. He was aware that he hadn’t been the greatest of friends in the last few years but he’d always excused it with his mental state. He’d never thought it would affect others, beside himself.  
Yeah, now that he thinks about it, he has been really shitty. Always only taking, scarcely giving anything back. And isn’t that nice, how history repeats itself? Louis hadn’t changed at all.  
It hurts now.  
Everything he tried to avoid feeling, he feels again. He’d hurt someone by being selfish, the only thing he’d always prided himself on not being, again.  
What good is it thinking of loving someone without actually showing them?  
Why didn’t he take Liam to that sweets shop last winter? Why didn’t he finish writing Niall that song for his birthday, instead opting to buy him some ugly golf themed tea cup?  
This is why he loses people, no matter how hard he tries to do better.

“Liam – “ he started and deflated. He felt trapped, the feelings of self hatred flooding back in chilling tidal waves, the feeling of ‘you messed up, you’re a bad person’ washing over him until it felt like drowning. No, he wasn’t about to have a breakdown in the middle of Heathrow, no.

“Lou, is everything alright?” Liam asked, anger quickly shifting into concern. And no, Louis didn’t deserve him. He turned around, arms wrapping across his shoulders in protection. He can’t, he can’t.

“Louis, please, what’s wrong, did I do something?”

Liam nudged Louis, trying to get him to turn around, which only made him close in on himself more.

“You’re like a bloody mimosa plant, Lou! Talk to me, please.”

Louis let out a quiet chuckle at that. He should explain. Liam deserved to know, he was the one that saved him from the worst.  
He loosened up a bit.

“Not here, Liam. I will but not here,” he mumbled quietly, but loud enough for his friend to hear.

“Will you tell me? Why you’re like this?” Liam asked softly, fingers grazing Louis’ elbow: “I mean what caused you to be so down all the time.”

Louis was quiet. He had a hunch the man had seen through his grim façade.

“I want to know you, Lou. The original version. Louis Tomlinson, the happy-go-lucky rambunctious rascal. The sass-master from Doncaster! The -”

“You did not just call me a rambunctious rascal and a sass-master, what are we, five?” Louis snorted on a turn and gave Liam a weak smile: “I’ll tell you though, yeah.”

“Good, ‘cause Louis, those moments when you’re being yourself are my favourite,” Liam smiled: “S’why I keep planning these trips actually. You forget to be all –“ he made a weird motion with his hands: “melancholic.”

“Well it is quite hard to keep being sad around you lot,” he smiled again, fondness blooming in his chest.

They stood in the queue quietly for a few moments, when Louis muttered: “Thank you, Liam. For everything. For you know, being only one who cares enough to notice.”

“Lou, I’m positive everyone who talks to you notices,” he paused and waited for Louis to look at him, before adding: “It’s so bright, you know? Your light. It shines so bright no matter what's clouding it right now. I bet you used to be obnoxiously likeable.”

“I don’t deserve you,” Louis answered exasperatedly.

“True, you are an arse and I should get an award for still putting up with you,” Liam shrugged, looking at his feet.

“No I really don’t. I never give anything back, yet you give me so much.”

“Where is this coming from,” he frowned and scrunched up his brows: “Louis, you’re like my safe place.”

“But like, I never give you anything special, I never plan a trip for you ...”

“Like a planned trip is what I want from you!” he laughed: “Louis, you dipshit, gifts aren’t the base of a friendship unless you’re in primary! Sure they’re nice, let people know you think about them, but I know you think about me, because you’re always there for me! So it’s not like I’ll cry because you’re incompetent at giving me meaningful birthday presents. People have different ways of showing gratitude, I thought you’d know that Mr. psychologist.”

Louis stays quiet, contemplating Liam’s words a bit. They sound an awful lot like an excuse for his accidental laziness. But maybe Liam is right.

“Well, they do say doctors make the worst patients,” he says after a while, shrugging.

Liam chuckles: “Yeah, they really do. Now, pick a sandwich, we’re up next.”

*****

Louis spent the first half of the flight mocking Niall’s relentless texting. He wouldn’t even go five minutes without checking if Shawn replied. The man bought the wifi package for Christ’s sake!  
The stewardess was not-so-subtly trying to flirt with him while selling the thing too, sadly not knowing he was going to use it to text his Canadian boyfriend sweet nothings for the next two hours.  
Looking out the window at the fluffy cloud peaks, wondering if they were above land or sea, Louis was lulled to sleep, thinking about just what Liam had planned for them this time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, I kind of got sidetracked by exams there... so here's the reeeeallly late update. I got writer's block too. That shit sucks.
> 
> TW// mental health  
> This chapter deals with a character's mental health, it doesn't get too psychological nor is it very graphic or too descriptive. I've been dealing with mild depression lately due to everything going on. Any feelings written about it are from my personal experience so if anyone feels triggered by that maybe skip this chapter. Your mental health comes first. But I promise I won't get too deep about it.
> 
> Thank you thank you thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this. I'm sorry if it sucks haha, this is sort of an experiment and I don't have an exact plan on where to take it..
> 
> Oh and btw, I'm really sorry if this feels slow, I promise that in the next chapter shit will go down, I just had to set the scene and I also love writing miscellaneous friendship moments.
> 
> Love you,  
> TRW.
> 
> P.s.: This chapter is dedicated to Veronika, one of the best people I know and soon to be birthday girl! I love you my camper! Happy early birthday <3.

The air in Austria was crisp as they stepped out of the airport building with their bags in hand. Liam had gone to rent a car, because apparently they still hadn’t reached their destination.

Zayn sparked up a cigarette, leaning on the side of the building, as they waited for him to return.

“So where d’you reckon he’s taking us?”

“I know just as much as you do, Niall,” Louis said, joining Zayn by the wall: “But I’d guess somewhere rural judging by his ‘packing instructions’.”

“I figured,” Niall sighed: “I just hope there’s signal. I wanna talk to Shawn.”

“Well, I know exactly where he’s taking us, he bloody browsed the locations every night for the past three months,” mumbled Zayn, fiddling with his cigarette nonchalantly.

“And I don’t suppose you’ll be telling us?” Louis prompted.

Zayn smiled innocently: “Nope.”

“Zaaayn! Why?”

“I want my boyfriend’s surprise to stay a surprise, Ni.”

“He wouldn’t have to know, Lou and I can pretend to be surprised,” Niall supplied, leaning beside Zayn, staring cutely up at him.

Zayn snorted: “Yeah, with your acting skills?”

“Well, Liam is oblivious,” Louis added, shrugging.

Zayn sighed in resignation: “I’d argue, but it took a year of me flirting pathetically for him to ask me out.”

“Yeah you got quite pathetic at the end,” Niall agreed, nodding to himself.

“Shut up, phone addict.”

“All right lads, all right, we all know you’re both fucking whipped, this is pointless,” interjected Louis, seeing Niall had already opened his mouth to retort. He was quite fed up with the ridiculous bickering.

“Louis you’re just pissed because you don’t have anyone to dote on. It wouldn’t have hurt if you’d accepted some of those blind dates we had planned for you.”

“I don’t date, Ni. I’m not a romantic soul, get it through your thick skull.”

“That’s a fucking lie if I’ve ever heard one.”

“Yeah, Lou, you cry watching The Notebook. And don’t even get me started on Titanic,” Zayn added, smirking.

Louis wanted to wipe that all-knowing smirk off his face so bad.

Because they were right, was the thing. Sadly though, the romance part was the reason Louis couldn’t date anymore. Not yet, not even three years after it happened. He was over it, really, but there was a part deep inside that just wouldn’t let go and it had him googling a name every month, calling the same number just to listen to the voice telling him it doesn’t exist anymore.  
It fucking had him still leaving that bloody lamp on.

Well, you can take the boy out of the romance, but you can’t take the romance out of the boy, they say. Or don’t. Louis might have just made that up. 

“Yeah, well, I don’t wanna date. It’s bullshit,” he said, voice turning cold. It was an effective way to kill the conversation, turning everything awkward.

When Liam finally showed up it was in the tiniest car imaginable.

“Liam, how the hell are four grown men supposed to fit inside this egg?” Louis said, staring incredulously at the little vehicle.

Liam fixed him with a pointed look: “Well you’re tiny, Louis. You’ll fit nicely in the back. And Niall can handle it.”

“Wait, why does Zayn get to sit in the front? Why can’t I?” Niall whined, while Louis snorted at the height comment.

“Because, Niall, I am dating the driver and I get to DJ.”

“But I’m taller!”

“Are not?!” Zayn shrieked, appalled.

“Are too!”

“Are not. And I’m sitting next to my boyfriend,” he huffed, opening the front door and taking a seat, effectively ending the argument.

“And why do you get to DJ?” Louis lamented, throwing his bag inside the barely-existent boot.

“Stop it with the complaints, boys, please,” begged Liam, trying to squeeze Niall’s luggage in with the rest of the bags.

Louis went to sit in the back, only to find that Niall had already made himself comfortable, stretching all the way across to his seat.

“Shit, this won’t fit!” Liam grunted from the back of the car and Louis could practically hear the sweat in his voice.

“Well neither will I if Niall doesn’t take his legs and stuff them where they’re supposed to be,” he complained.

Niall begrudgingly sat upright, only to end up with a lap full of luggage.

“Niall, this won’t fit,” Liam explained to a bewildered Irish man staring at him.

“Oh.”

“If you had just followed my directions this wouldn’t have happened. Now hold it in your lap or stuff it somewhere, I won’t deal with it anymore!”

Liam slammed the door, shaking the whole car, while Niall and Louis shared a look. They settled on balancing the suitcase on their legs in between them. Well at least they had an arm rest now. And oh, hey, a table if they got any food on the way!

“All right! We ready?” Liam asked, turning the key in ignition, breathing out a stressed sigh. He was met with excited shouts, and Zayn kissing his cheek apologetically.  
That’s how they embarked on the road, still quite cheerful despite all their setbacks. 

***

They’d only been driving for about fifteen minutes when Liam stopped the car in front of some grocery store.

Louis eyed him suspiciously.

“We have to get some snacks,” he answered, getting out of the car, motioning to the other three to follow.  
It took quite a lot of effort to actually get out of the car with the luggage caging them inside. It felt a bit like playing Tetris.

“Spar? There are Spars here?” Niall asked, once he finally got himself out of the egg-car, reading the letters above the store.

Louis looked up at the bright coloured sign: “Oh, I like Spar. It has a Christmas tree as a logo.”

“I think Spar is actually originally from here, Niall. And I’m pretty sure that’s just a normal pine tree.”

“Let a boy dream, Liam,” Louis said, sighing as he patted the lad on his shoulder, skipping past him.

“Grocery stores in Austria look the same as the British ones, noted,” Niall muttered once they stepped inside.

“What did you think they would look like?” questioned Zayn.

Niall shrugged.

“We need drinks, I’ll go get ‘em. You pick snacks. Z, can you get me a chocolate, please? I’m kinda in a chocolatey mood,” Liam asked, looking at his boyfriend with his infamous puppy-eyes.

“Sure.”

A couple of minutes later, the three boys with armfuls of various munchies trudged off to meet Liam at the drinks isle.

“We have a three hour drive ahead of us, lads, get ready. Louis hold this please,” Liam declared once he saw them, pushing a pack of bottled water into Louis’ already half-full hands.

“Water, Liam? Really?” Asked Niall, eyeing the enormous packet Louis was now struggling to hold up.

“Trust me, we’ll need it.”

“Zayn, shit – “ Louis fumbled, fixing his grip on the water: “Zayn, can you get me a Monster?”

“Sure thing, mate.”

“So are we getting any REAL drinks, Liam?” Niall questioned, a smirk twisting his lips.

“Actually, today we won’t sleep where we’re staying yet. We’re sleeping in a hotel, so we can just buy some there. And we’ll get the rest tomorrow.”

“I’m getting scared, Li, where are you taking us?” Louis laughed in disbelief.

“Well I wanted to make this a bit more interesting,” he answered, then added: “Plus I think you’ll already complain a lot when you find out where we’re going.”

“Oh no.”

“Eh, can’t be that bad,” Niall added, happily scrunching the bags of snacks in hand.

“It’s not, Liam’s exaggerating, we’ll have fun,” explained Zayn, looking fondly at the man.

“Yeah, well, we’d have fun practically anywhere. We have Niall and Tommo.”

“Oh, cheers mate!” said Niall at the same time Louis protested: “I’m not fun.”

“Not now you’re not.”

“Shush, Zayn.”

“Okay let’s get going then. Got everything?” Liam asked, pulling out his wallet and making his way to the till.

**

They’d been driving for what felt like forever, especially with Niall’s bag squashing them like sardines.

Louis had already finished all his snacks and was now playing rock paper scissors with Niall for the last Snickers.

“That’s it man, give it up!” Niall exclaimed, victorious.  
“Whatever, I didn’t even want it,” he sulked, pressing his forehead onto the cold window, looking outside.

“Sore loser.”

The road was getting narrower and he could see how the size of the car finally came in handy.

“Liam we’re going to the mountains, right? Did I guess it?” he asked, watching the thick forest surrounding them.

“Maybe,” Liam sing-songed, finding Louis’ face in the rear-view mirror and smiling at him.

“I knew there’d be problems with the signal,” Niall shook his head in disappointment.

“There’ll be wifi and signal there, Ni.”

“There better be. Or Shawn will break up with me.”

“Oh, how I love dramatic Niall,” gasped Zayn melodramatically, causing Louis to snort.

“Lads, lads, look! We’re crossing the border now,” Liam interrupted excitedly, slowing down the car.

Louis looked out the window, now seeing a tiny house by the road.

“We’re crossing the border? To which country?” Niall asked, confused.

“Slovenia, mate.”

“Slovenia? Is that the tiny one next to Italy?” questioned Louis, scanning the house as they drove past: “Wait, there wasn’t any security.”

“It’s the Schengen. We’re in that part of Europe now.”

“Oh, right, I forgot they have that.”

“And what are we going to do here, exactly?” said Niall, plopping back down on his seat from where he was looking out.

“You’ll see, I’ve got a few things planned. Mostly though, I’m excited about the hot tub,” he said, winking at Zayn.

“Ugh, gross! Please say Niall and I have a separate one?”

“No, there’s definitely only one hot tub, Lou, sorry,” answered Zayn, smiling innocently at him.

“You’re disgusting.”

The scenery slowly turned more and more rocky, actual mountains showing up in the distance. Driving on this road was horrible, all of the turns were making Louis feel incredibly nauseous.  
When after a while the route turned a bit more bearable, he noticed the stony walls surrounding them forming a canyon of sorts.

“Oh my god, look at the colour of the water!” Niall exclaimed, beckoning Louis to peek from out his window.  
There was a river running beside them, a breathtaking turquoise colour meandering between the rocks.

“That’s so clear, Jesus!” He agreed, watching the sight in awe.

“Liam, can we stop?”

“Where? I can’t just pull over, the road is literally as narrow as this car.”

“Oh,” Niall sighed dejectedly.

“Do you think it’s drinkable?” asked Zayn.

“It must be, look at it,” Louis said, still taken by the way the creak bounced off of the rocky surface.

“But what if the deer like pissed in it?”

Louis and Zayn both turned their heads to look at Niall exasperatedly.

“Deer don’t fucking piss in the stream, Niall!”

“Oh, and how do you know that?”

“You just do,” said Zayn, shaking his head: “Oh, look, Li, you can stop there!”

They pulled over at a small parking lot, where small children were running around. It was a small descent down a couple of steps to get to the water. There was a makeshift beach down there where people were standing in the shallow stream, kicking around.

“I’m going in,” Louis heard Niall announce.

“Me too,” agreed Liam, taking off his shoes.

“Do you think it’s cold?”

“I don’t know, let’s check,” said Zayn, squatting on the bank, dipping his hand in before yelping and pulling it back: “Fucking shit!”

“Is it cold?” Niall asked, rolling his jeans up.

“It’s fucking freezing!”

“It can’t be that bad,” said Louis, joining Zayn in testing the water. The moment his fingertips touched the surface, he felt the icy cold biting at his skin. He pushed them in entirely, gasping sharply. It felt good, refreshing. His fingers scraped the smooth white pebbles at the bottom.

“Oh, motherfu– aahh!”

Louis glanced at Niall, who was standing in the water beside him and grimacing.

“This shit is too cold! Liam, come on.”

Liam stepped in, laughing at Niall: “I bet it’s really not that bad– oh! Yeah this is freezing, ouch.” 

“L-Louis, take my picture, please,” begged Niall, extending a shaky hand with his phone to him. Louis took his hands out, wiping the reddened skin gently on his jumper.

“Hurry up, ph- please.”

“Alright, alright,” he grabbed Niall’s phone, stepping back a bit to capture the scene.

“This is gold,” he muttered to himself, snickering at Niall’s pained smile.

“Did you get it? Oh my god, get me out of here!”

“Got it!”

“Yes!” he jumped out, plopping down on the ground to rub at his feet.

Louis looked around, taking in the surroundings again, marvelling at the gigantic rocks, leaning over them threateningly. He breathed in the crisp air, the smell of the forest filling his lungs. It was certainly a welcome change from the smog-filled fumes of London.

“How did you come up with this idea,” he asked Liam, who had just stepped out, joining Niall on the ground.

“To be honest, I’ve always thought camping would be such an adventure with you.”

“Oh, so we’re going camping?”

“Well, not really,” he smiled: “Zayn thought a three week camping trip would be too much, so we actually have a cabin.”

“Thanks, mate,” Niall added, sending Zayn an appreciative look.  
“This whole trip sounds so sketchy, Liam! I can’t believe I trust you blindly,” Louis threw his head back in exasperation.

“If I’m being honest, I wanted to take you to Spain for a road trip. I almost had the tickets reserved already. But then I had this weird feeling one day and ended up researching the most remote places in Europe and this came up,” Liam shrugged.

“Why does this feel like the beginning of a horror movie?” said Niall carefully, glancing at his friends.

“You have a point.”

“Oh shut up, you two, we’re gonna have fun,” Zayn interjected, patting Liam’s arm in reassurance.

They sat by the river for a few more minutes before heading back to the car and continuing the drive.  
It wasn’t long till the canyon opened up, revealing a valley littered with small houses. The mountains in the background were making the scene all the more majestic.  
They drove like that for a while, admiring the soft grass in the cow pastures and the deep green colour of the surrounding forests.  
It almost felt like the car didn’t belong there, destroying the serenity of the space.

They stopped in front of a big house, which looked to be a restaurant with people eating at the big wooden tables outside.

“I think this is it,” said Liam, grabbing his phone to check.

“Our hotel?” asked Zayn, looking over his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“Yup.”

“Well, boys, we’ve arrived!”

They dragged their bags off to the hotel to check in. The people were eyeing them, mainly focusing on Niall’s gigantic suitcase. Louis guessed they sort of stuck out, speaking English and wearing anything but hiking clothes, like the rest of the people seemed to have been.  
The inside of the hotel was what Louis would describe as ‘old’. The walls were decorated with questionable decor, sporting all sorts of dead animals next to landscape paintings.

“Tasteful,” Zayn muttered.

When Liam finished checking them in, he turned around, saying: “Listen. The cottage we’ll be staying in later was expensive, so I didn’t want us to spend so much money on a four star hotel. Which left me with this. It’s only for one day, don’t worry.”

The rest of the boys shared a concerned look.

“Come on, let’s go to our room.”

He led them around the corner to the most narrow and steep staircase Louis’d ever seen. The stairs weren’t even real stairs! It looked like somebody was trying to make a cross between a ladder and a staircase and failed miserably. Efficiency wise at least.

“How am I going to get this up there?” Niall gaped.

And so the next few minutes were spent attempting to get the heavy luggage up as strategically as possible.  
‘Even a ladder would have been more practical,’ Louis thought, as he was dangling head first down the stairs, attempting to pull the suitcase up, while Niall pushed from the other side.  
Once they finally stood in front of the room, they were already covered in dust and sweat, so a good start.

The room had four bunk beds and a window.

“Liam, what?”

“I told you it’s only for one night.”

“There’s already someone in here,” Zayn said, pointing to one of the bunk beds, where a rucksack and a few clothes were thrown about.

“Oh, yeah,” Liam smiled awkwardly: “I was told some people could be joining us.”

“What? We’re sharing a room with random strangers?” Louis was confused.

“Now this really feels like a horror movie,” smirked Niall, throwing himself on one of the beds before yelping: “Fuck, this is not soft!”

“Well, I’ve gotta hand it to you, this is an adventure,” said Louis, following Niall’s example and claiming the top bunk. It was strange, unexpected, but not unwelcome. This was making him feel like those spontaneous days he used to have. Maybe it’ll be good. Maybe Liam would bring the real Louis back once again.

**  
“I think we should have a picnic tomorrow,” said Niall, looking up from his phone.

They had just finished eating dinner and were now sitting outside the ‘hotel’, discussing their plans for the next day.

“Not a bad idea,” Liam agreed, looking up from the travel guide, he was reading: “We could get the food from the market I saw when we were driving, it’s not that far away.”

“All right, that sounds fun,” said Zayn: “Do we have a picnic blanket?”

“Oof, I don’t think so.”

“We could just use Niall’s travel blanket,” suggested Louis, smiling apologetically at the glare he received from across the table.

“No, we could not.”

“Actually...” started Liam, looking sheepishly at the angry Irishman.

“No, absolutely not, Liam! Shawn gave me that the last time he was in London, I’m not ruining it!”

“You wouldn’t ruin it though, have you seen the grass around here? It’s so clean. Come on, Ni,” Zayn joined his boyfriend in pleading.

After about ten minutes of frustrating back and forth it was decided Niall’s blanket would be ‘sacrificed’ and the picnic was a go.  
They sat at the table while the sky grew darker and gave way to the stars shining softly above them.  
Louis wasn’t used to seeing so many, even back in Doncaster the street lights dimmed their twinkle. ‘It’s so strange,’ he wondered: ‘How you can’t see them, but they’re always there.’

As he was laying in bed he kept peering out the window, watching them.  
Because somewhere beneath all those stars there was Harry. Beneath the same sky. He probably wasn’t stuck in a dingy room with two snuggling boyfriends, a phone addict and a snoring stranger, but he was there.  
Maybe he was in a new flat, sharing a bed with someone else. Maybe he loved them. Maybe he had forgotten everything and Louis was just a dark smudge on his life now.

And his thoughts were now bordering on a dangerous territory he did not want to enter. 

Louis willed himself to stop thinking and closed his eyes to try and fall asleep.  
The stranger turned and tossed in his bed and somewhere outside, an owl was hooting. He had a feeling he was in it for a long three weeks.

*

Louis woke up before dawn on his own for the first time since he could remember.  
He glanced around, finding that everyone except from the stranger was still asleep. The man had already left it seemed.

Louis turned over and tried to fall back asleep, only to realise he was wide awake and that wouldn’t be happening any time soon.  
He sighed, throwing his legs to the side and dangling them in the air. Getting off the bunk bed without waking everyone up would be a challenge.  
He shimmied his bum towards the ladder and carefully found his footing. As gently as he could, he then lowered himself, landing on the ground with a soft thud. He glanced around to check if anyone woke up.  
Nope, Liam and Zayn were still softly snoring, Zayn having abandoned his own bed to sleep basically atop Liam and Niall hadn’t moved either.  
Louis quietly grabbed his bag and made his way to the tiny communal bathroom.

Once he was ready he stepped outside, marvelling at the sight. The bright rays of sunrise hit his face, blinding him momentarily. It was so warm out it made him feel tired. He sat down on one of the benches and looked around.  
On one side, there was a pasture filled with cows, who were peacefully grazing on grass. On the other, there were the enormous mountains and hundreds of hikers getting ready to start their climb. Louis felt ill at the thought of even moving then, as the sun was lazily stroking his cheeks. He closed his eyes, leaning his head back, exposing more of his skin to the warm rays.

“Well you’re up early.”

The sound of Liam’s voice made him open his eyes.

“Oh, you’re up. I didn’t wake you, did I?”

“Nah, I woke up on my own.”

“You seemed to be cuddled up pretty nicely though, I’m surprised you got out of there,” Louis smirked and scooted on the bench to make room for his friend.

“Yeah, Zayn’s like a cat when he’s sleepy,” Liam smiled softly: “Anyway, I was actually gonna go for a walk before breakfast, wanna join me?”

Louis sighed and begrudgingly pushed himself off the bench to follow him.

“Where are we going?”

“Just around here a bit. I’d like to see the place since we’re not staying for long.”

“Gotcha,” he nodded and tilted his head to look at the cows on the pasture again. The morning dew was glistening in the sunshine, making the scene feel all the more ethereal.

“So ...” started Liam after a couple of steps, prompting Louis to look at him.

“So, what?”

“The thing at the airport. Can you tell me about it now?”

Liam looked sheepish, like he was afraid he’d asked something uncomfortable.

Louis sighed. 

“I- I guess I can. But I don’t even know where to start.”

“You can start with what happened maybe?” Liam prompted.

Louis looked at him and took a deep breath. 

Was he ready to relive this?

“I guess I can, yeah,” he paused for a moment, looking at his sneakers sliding across the gravel. Maybe finally opening up to someone would be a good thing.  
“About three years ago, maybe a couple of months before I met you, I did something bad. Not murder or anything,” he quickly glanced at Liam, smiling a bit in reassurance: “But it was bad. I hurt someone very close to me. Actually I’d been hurting them for a while, I just didn’t realise.”

He stopped and took in a sharp breath: “I’d gotten selfish at some point and the next thing I knew, he was gone.”

Liam was looking at him with a mix of confusion and sympathy, but Louis didn’t know how to make it less complicated. His own mind was a mess, how was he supposed to give a concise summary? This is precisely why he hadn’t told Liam yet.

“Okay, I’ll try and explain. The truth is, as you probably already know, I was quite different once. I was the type of person everyone liked. I was loud, obnoxious, funny, a proper entertainer, you know? The best at throwing parties,” he paused again, letting the memories he had long since repressed play in his head.

“I moved to London for uni. It was genuinely the best time, like THE craziest time! I lived with a couple of my mates in these shitty dorms and we were either drunk or high most of the time. I loved every second of it. Thought it couldn’t get any better. But well...”

He took a couple of steps to the left and smiled, readying himself for the next part of his speech.

“Then I met the most extraordinary person at some random concert and it was like life got an upgrade.” Louis giggled, sighing: “He was breathtaking. Liam, he had these soft, chocolate brown curls and the most astounding green eyes I’d ever seen. He wasn’t even my type, I can’t describe, he felt more like my other half. Like a literal soulmate. I never believed in those until I met him.” 

He looked over at Liam who was looking at him with the biggest smile on his face, the one that was usually reserved for Zayn. Louis felt his cheeks heat up and he cleared his throat.

“Anyways, one thing led to another and we moved in together. Those few years we had were the best time I’ve ever had, hands down. We bickered and teased each other, then he made muffins to apologise or I tried to cook dinner when I did something wrong. He’d make fun of my cooking and I’d make fun of his ridiculous fashion choices,” he snickered before continuing: “He was also the cutest person in the world. I swear, half of the time he just made me want to cuddle and protect him. And the other half I was probably horny.”

Liam chuckled at that.

Louis smiled, looking into the distance and whispering: “That’s when I realised I fell in love.”

He paused for a couple of beats before continuing: “But then I got an internship at this research centre. It was kind of a big deal for me. And for the first time in my life I started putting my career first. I had everything else, this was the only major goal I had yet to accomplish.  
So I took the time to think and devoted a lot of it to studying and doing my best. It didn’t help that this guy who got me the internship worked me to the bone. He practically demanded I stay in the office all week long. So I kind of got blindsided by this idea of getting my dream job and finally doing something productive with my knowledge.  
Meanwhile I forgot what really, truly mattered. It wasn’t too late when I noticed. But I had done the damage, so only one mistake was enough to tip the scales.” 

Louis stopped walking: “One. Stupid. Mistake. It was so stupid, it’s laughable. Straight out of a fucking movie. I won’t even tell you what I did because I’m embarrassed and pretty sure you wouldn’t even believe me.”

He ran his hands down his face: “But I guess it was punishment for me for being dumb enough to forget what really mattered. I couldn’t get off scot-free after neglecting the one I love. Anyway, in the end we got into a big argument. Well, it was more him yelling and me begging to let me explain, but in the end I got what I deserved. And he left.”

He crouched down, hands gripping his hair anxiously, like that would help keep the emotions away.

“I couldn’t- I didn’t even- I HAD another chance, but I just- I forgot about it! I forgot about the damn rule and he- he...”

“Lou, calm down,” said Liam gently, crouching down beside him and wrapping him up in a tight hug.

“Liam, I can’t. How could I have been so stupid?! He was it. He was my it, and I just let him get away,” he mumbled hysterically into his hands.

“Louis, stop blaming yourself.”

“How?! How am I supposed to do that when it’s all my fault!”

“Lou, listen to me. Yes, some parts may be your fault but that’s all in the past. We’ve all fucked up at some point.”

“Liam, this was a royal fuck up. This was bad. I never- I never thought I was selfish.”

“You’re not.”

“But I am!” Louis wiggled out of Liam’s embrace to stand up: “I am! I keep proving it! Have I ever been a good friend to you, huh?! You said it yourself at the airport. I’m always gloomy, never tell you how much you mean to me. I love you, Liam. I’m so grateful you do this for me, but I never tell you that! I just think it and don’t show it, which yeah, makes me selfish.”

“I have no idea what you’re on about, Louis.”

“You said that I’m always gloomy. And you never know if I hate hanging out with you. I should have just toned my pity party down. But I didn’t and you got hurt.”

“I’m sorry,” Liam said solemnly, looking him straight in the eyes.

“What are you sorry for?” confusion tinted Louis’ voice.

“For exploding at you at the airport. I was nervous about the flight and everything. I’m so bad with controlling my words while anxious. I know you love us, Louis, and I also know get you act the way you do. I never wanted to make you feel selfish.”

“I try so hard not to be. Not to repeat it. I could be such a better friend, be so much more attentive. I had all these plans for your birthday but then ran out of time because every time I started to work on arranging it, I lost all the motivation I’d had and it was like nothing mattered anymore. Couldn’t I have forced myself to do this for you? It feels like I’m in some kind of a deep hole and whenever I try to climb out, it just pulls me back in. I just want to be myself again.”

“I promise you, I’ve never once thought of you as being selfish. You don’t need grand acts of affection to prove that you care about me I already told you that! Remember that time when Zayn and I weren’t a thing yet and I was a nervous wreck because I thought I lost him you were the one that was by my side to calm me down and distract me? Remember the song you were going to write for Niall for his birthday? Or that time when Zayn had that job interview and you wrote that cute letter to him? You know, he still keeps that in his notebook.”

“I didn’t even finish that song for Niall,” Louis mumbled, playing distractedly with the sleeve of his hoodie.

“It’s like you’re punishing yourself for lacking motivation when you know it’s because of your mental health. You’re hurting, Lou. Please don’t blame yourself for hurting.”

“Still, that feels like an excuse. What if I’m really just a lazy prick?”

Liam scoffed: “Louis, it isn’t like you forgot my birthday. I get that my gift might not have been how you wanted it to be, but I couldn’t care less. You’re always there for me when I need you and that’s enough for me.”

“I think the problem is that I know I’ve changed. I’m not like that. I’d always gotten great gifts for people. I had absolutely zero problems with being attentive. Until that damn decision to put work first. That fucking ruined everything. First it was because I was busy and negligent. Then it was because I was dumb. Now it is because I’ve stopped caring, and I hate that! I’ve never been like that! Did I really become a bad person, Liam?”

“No. You’re overwhelmed right now, Lou. Your character didn’t change, it’s just clouded a bit by everything that’s weighing on your mind.”

“I don’t want that to fucking define me. I want to be the old me again. I’d give anything to be excited for the future right now like I was back then. The only thing that keeps me from totally shutting down is the fact that I care about you lot. I don’t want to hurt you, you mean too much to me.”

Liam went quiet for a moment while Louis looked up to the sky, breathing evenly in an attempt to calm down.

“The worst part is that sometimes it feels like I could just stop all this, but don’t want to,” he added after a while, not moving his face from where he was ridiculing the passing clouds.

Liam shuffled: “What do you mean?”

“It’s like I want to keep wallowing in self-pity. It sounds so pathetic, but I think in my head it feels like this way I’ll finally feel less guilty,” he returned his gaze to Liam: “And if I’m so pitiful then maybe he will feel sad about me too. Shit, when I say it out loud it sounds so manipulative. I did the wrong thing but still hope that my own sadness will invoke pity in the person I hurt. I’m so toxic. It feels wrong just saying this out loud.”

“Lou, everybody is toxic in a way. But you know yourself it’s so wrong to think like that. You studied psychology for god’s sake! Do you think he’d feel sad if he saw you right now?”

“No, absolutely not. He’d think I was pathetic.”

“See? If you think the universe will somehow forgive you because you’re trying to punish yourself by refusing happiness, then you’re very wrong. It doesn’t work like that, the world isn’t fair. Don’t you think you’ve suffered enough? It’s been three years, Lou. I think it’s time you let go.”

“How?”

“It isn’t the universe making you unhappy, it’s you pushing it away.”

Louis sighed dejectedly: “I know.”

“Hey,” he heard Liam call: “Don’t worry. You’ve got one of the greatest minds I’ve ever seen. You’ll figure this out and I’ve no doubt you’ll be yourself again soon.”

“I really hope you’re right, Liam,” Louis smiled weakly while the two quietly continued their walk. He hadn’t noticed before, but the path had lead them to a shadowy forest. The silence was encompassing them, only the rustling of the twigs beneath their feet breaking it. It was a while until Liam decided to break it.

“Truthfully, I’ve known something was up with you for a long long while. Probably since we worked on the Kelly case together. You recognised why I was overworking myself after two weeks of hanging out with me. It’s probably why I felt so connected to you.”

“You’re such an open book, Liam. It wasn’t hard to figure out why,” Louis commented.

“Still, you were the first one who understood. Well, I kind of found out you weren’t the stuck up antisocial asshole you came off as when I was sobering up to you and Niall screaming ‘Oops!...I Did It Again’,” he chuckled while Louis rolled his eyes.

“You were so different from when we were sat in the office, though. Then you just kept surprising me. You don’t hide your real self very well, you know that? The moment you let me, a drunk stranger, sleep over I knew you what kind of person you were. From then on it wasn’t rocket science to see something was laying on your mind. I didn’t want to pry though, because you never seemed like you wanted to talk about it. After you helped me with my perfectionism, Niall and I made a pact to make you feel better too. And that is how we planned that road trip.”

“That’s why? You made a pact? You two are so...” 

“Fun? Good? Kind?” Liam suggested, smirking.

“Weird,” he finished: “But thank you.”

From there the conversation took on a lighter tone while they continued their walk through the forest. Halfway through, Liam remembered the shop he saw on the way and their picnic plans for later, so they decided to stop by.

When they returned (three full shopping bags in hand), they were met by Niall sitting by himself on the terrace and gorging himself on some milky soup-looking thing. 

“Oi, where have you been?” he asked cheerily with a mouthful of whatever he was eating.

“Hey, Ni, just on a walk,” answered Liam: “Zayn still upstairs?”

“Nah,” Niall gestured to the bench opposite him where Zayn was lying down, possibly napping.

“Oh, I wanna join him,” said Louis, putting the bag he was carrying on the floor and climbing atop Zayn’s body.

“What the fuck are you doing,” Zayn grumbled, shifting under him.

“I’m cuddling you, ssssh. Go back to sleep and pretend I’m Liam.”

“Shut up, Louis,” he sounded annoyed, but nonetheless made no move to push him off, just settling comfortably against the bench.

“What are you eating, Niall?” Liam asked inquisitively, staring at the man’s bowl.

“’Polenta s mleckom’, he answered, chewing on the porridge milk soup thing.

“What is that?”

“Boiled corn with milk apparently. That’s what the lady said.”

“Ew,” Louis heard Zayn mumble from underneath himself and he had to agree.

“This doesn’t look like boiled corn, Niall. Are you sure you heard the lady correctly?” Liam judged the white mess.

“No, but it tastes good so I’m rolling with it. Want to try?”

“Thanks, I’ll pass. Lou, Zee? Anyone want Niall’s boiled corn?”

He received no answer, the tandem deciding unanimously that it’s better to pretend to be asleep.

“You’re all losers,” Niall shrugged and continued to munch: “What’s in the bags?”

“Oh, just some alcohol, our picnic ingredients and breakfast. Although you’re already eating yours.”

“Oh I can fit something else in here,” he patted his stomach happily: “Have I told you lately how much I love you Liam?” 

“Yeah, yeah, shut up and finish your corn soup,” Liam answered and pulled some things from the bag: “I’m gonna eat my avocado toast.”

“I hope Louis is asleep for your sake,” Niall muttered.

“He heard that and he saw you putting that avocado in the cart earlier,” Louis muttered: “Pretentious asshole.”

“Shut up, that’s my boyfriend,” Zayn replied, turning on his side and sending Louis tumbling to the ground.

“Ouch, you dickhead!”

“I’m going inside to ask for some plates, Louis, should I ask for a bowl for your cereal?” Liam announced, standing up from where he was sitting, choosing to completely ignore the situation.

“No, I’m just going to stay here on the ground. It’s comfortable,” he answered stubbornly, but changed his mind when some people decided to join them on the terrace, eyeing him weirdly and murmuring in some foreign language. He wasn’t completely crazy yet. 

Yet.  
But the sun was bright, the sky was bluer than his eyes and Louis felt good in the fresh morning breeze. He couldn’t believe he had finally told Liam and that it felt good. Freeing in a way. Now it was time to let things go and restart.

For the first time in god knows how long, Louis felt like he could actually do this.


End file.
